Reinvent Yourself

by Roger Loomis

The holidays seem to magnify pain. Has this been your experience? This past week alone, my wife and I have learned about deaths in four families we know. Two of them were suicides. The pain is acute, and our hearts go out to the many loved ones involved. Christmas for them will never be the same again. 

Every time you suffer setbacks or loss in life, you must reinvent yourself, if you wish to move forward successfully.

The apostle Paul wrote, “Forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead. I press…” (Philippians 3:13-14).

So, I want to talk about what we must do after times of loss and grief. And, as you know, we all experience a myriad of losses in life – the death of loved ones, divorce, unemployment, health, family upheaval, church hurts, financial setbacks, friendships, unanswered prayer, unmet expectations, and so much more. 

Loss Is Inevitable—Getting Stuck Is Not

When pain comes, individuals have to find a way to, not push down their pain, but to allow their pain to show them a different way to navigate life. God wishes to give us a better, life-giving interpretation of our painful times.  Emotional pain has to be confronted, expressed and redirected. With every loss – small or great – comes emotional pain. The death of a loved one is number one on the Traumatic Loss Scale. Divorce is number two. 

Unless we, after a reasonable amount of time, begin to reinvent ourselves, we become weighed down in the pain of our past. Neither death nor divorce are equalizers. They are cruel and mostly unfair. Pain, if not confronted, causes people to live in a “train wreck” mode of living. The worst thing we as humans can do is pretend that our pain has disappeared and we are fine. If grief continues past an unhealthy time, finding professional help – either with pastors or specially trained grief counselors – is totally acceptable and recommended! God gifts us through such venues. 

I recommend that both divorcees and those who have experienced loss through death, or any loss, for that matter, take a reasonable amount of time to rally. Everyone is different. Of course, there are no ironclad rules or formulas. There is no set timeline for how long grieving a divorce or death will take. So there is no right or wrong answer in terms of how it affects you or a loved one going through it.

Grief Has a Process—and It’s Not Linear

Grieving a divorce is a process, much like grieving a death. You’ll likely pass through a series of five stages similar to Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ five stages of grieving death or loss. The stages may include:

• Denial. A temporary, often early stage of the grieving process, denial can help reduce the shock of the initial loss.

• Anger. When you go through divorce, you will often feel a rush of emotions, including fear and pain. Anger is often a cover for these emotions, but it may also motivate you to move on.

• Bargaining. During divorce, bargaining may serve as a useful step that allows you to see if the relationship is truly over. Bargaining in divorce can take several forms such as counseling, couples retreats, or even just making promises to each other to behave differently in the future.

• Depression. A brief period of depression typically occurs following denial, anger, and bargaining. It comes with the acceptance that the marriage is over, and it is the emotional acknowledgement that you can be sad and have feelings of regret.

• Acceptance. Typically the final stage, acceptance occurs when you have fully processed that the divorce or death has occurred. At this point, you can typically move on and start making a new life for yourself.

Many experts consider the five stages of grief outdated, but it’s still common to experience feelings outlined in those stages. Also, similar to grieving the death of a loved one, you may not experience all the stages in order and of course, some may overlap. Some may last longer than others, and that’s okay.

Reinvention Is Not Betrayal

If you feel stuck in a phase, you may want to consider reaching out to friends or seeking professional help to process your emotions. At any rate, the need to reinvent ourselves is mandatory. Trust God’s faithful interventions in your life during any type of loss. He is on your side!

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).